Mayb i'm not the person who likes to reveal all my personal stuffs and feeling to public, so even writing here will have to think twice...
Recovered a small book yesterday, a sketch book from cathyjordaneast, which described her trip in london n tokyo. she will write down her experiences n small feelings together with some drawing. and the book left spaces for me to write some. i flipped back the old entries that i made... and added in some recent feelings... using colour pencils to decorate it.. and enjoyed the process of recording my life...
I'm 25 today.. sometimes feels like i'm not ready to be one yet. someone grown old after 25. your face, energy, concentration.. deteriorated. somehow wisdom grows, after encountering more people, more events, more stuffs to take care of. more decisions to make. i enjoy more freedom n more money to spend...
Attitude... don't change much though... had a huge impact from a camp that warrant us to change... guess it isn't huge enough, and i'm not paying much effort to it.. be more patience... try not to act by custom.. try to encounter it a positive way （不为发生作反应）.. but why am i still manipulated by temper when something undesirable happens? and regretted after that.. lose again to myself.. i want to win myself over... not surrendering to the old habits..
Felt inferior when someone criticized me, easily terasa.. esp family members, who i'm concerned of every single words they said, and pay less tolerance... sometimes had a wrong perception that family members are forever there for u whatever u done to them, so didn't really take care of their feelings.. esp putting too much expectations on them, that they should act according to YOUR way.. "you won't end up like this if u listened to me'... 'you better do this before u regret for it'... 'already tell u many many times, y still don't listen to me?'... too much concern is a pressure... guess we are all allowed to choose our steps ahead... bad things happened to you may be a good thing for him... although it turn out bad, but he learned.. the precious experience.. even we don't agreed on his choice, but let it be, it's his, he has the right... all we can do is to clear things up n support it.. sometimes argument happens coz i talked too much and overeacted... juz shut up and try to understand his thought.. stop being too... compulsive...
Since ah nee went overseas and starting to explore herself better... guess i should make the move too... not juz staying in the comfort zone.. (e.g. willing to compromise my bladder's health for dirty toilet bowls).. i want to contribute.. not because of those in need (you are not that important as u thought), but to appreciate myself more.. to make full use of it.. not juz wasting my life.. thinking is easier than action... and i'm juz in the stage of having an idea of it.. i had 6 months of PRP to go, still wondering if HAG will allow a long holiday after paying my salary for a year, without my service. so i guess... will try to remind myself that working is a good way of contributing too... coz i tend to forget it and grumbles alot... enjoy working... enjoy serving... enjoy contributing...
To be continued... later... after the thunder ceased...
